Burlap & Satin

I still haven't had my wedding gown cleaned. Problem is they all want to put it in a little box with a tiny cold window and seal it for all time never to be touched again. I don't want this for my gown. I want to be able to have private moments with it in my closet, run my hands over all that intricate beading, remember how absolutely beautiful I felt on that day, remember my husband's hands running down the bodice while he whispered simply, "I love you, I love you, I love you."

This gown will not be passed on to anyone, I don't want to trash it, I don't want to use it for anything else, I don't want to tarnish the memories by wearing it again. I want to keep it as mine always because I'm incredibly selfish that way. I want to hang it elegantly so that I can always smile when I see it, even on the darkest of days. It's not only about the memories or the way I felt in it, it's because I have a genuine love and admiration for this gown. Still, I can say, "I. love. my. dress."

But I also want it to stay beautiful and not tarnish over time. I have to confront the fact that our house is not conducive to a beautifully preserved gown. We have virtually no closets, we're always fighting water or extreme heat, and any place where I could possibly hang it only has a 7 foot ceiling when my gown is 8-and-a-half feet long and couldn't hang properly.

It's just hard for me, I guess. Ever since the wedding, it seems I've gone incredibly dormant. I had a job that I didn't love but kept me feeling productive and social, now I'm home all day and even though I'm still productive, I'm also very isolated. I had long beautiful nails for the first time in my life, now they are back to the nubs, bloody and chewed. I had a new home that needed tons of work, but it was a home and all that work was in the future "after the wedding." Now, we're in the thick of it and it seems like the work will never end. I had a sex drive and energy and the promise of a wedded life on birth control, now I'm exhausted with nothing left at the end of the day and the pills are void because the drive is non-existent anyway.

I can't say this past year has been a bad one. I walked away from empty friendships and forged ahead to create new ones with stronger more positive people. We got Bogey, who was massive amounts more than we had ever bargained for and tested the end of every limit, but who opened my heart and brightened me in ways I didn't know possible. We made our house only half ugly, which considering it's only been a year since we moved in, I'd say that's a damn fine accomplishment.

I just wish I could see everything better. I wish I could see the positive more, I wish I could remember what vitality and happiness felt like. I wish I could feel happy about calling a place and having my gown preserved and moving on. I wish it didn't feel like I was closing a chapter of life and happiness and embarking on something numb and overwhelming. Most of all, I wish I could have a day without constantly feeling the need to wish.