Burlap & Satin

-- Pouring out a memory that I held with me a for a long, long time. Not a horribly traumatic memory, but a painful one nonetheless. A memory that hurt more than I ever realized it did. Feeling the surprise when Husband holds me, cries, and says simply, "They should have never done that to you. I'm so sorry you had to go through that." (It always surprises me that every other child didn't live like I did.) Then Husband's laughter through tears when he says, "You broke into your own house just so you could go to your grandfather's funeral. That's awesome." That feeling when I expose a weakness or a fear and he finds it captivating and yet another reason to love me. This is what healing is, this is what a good marriage should feel like.

-- How happy my girl is when she gets to go out and explore nature. How much she grins and loves just being with me, anywhere. How much she loves her momma, how much she lives for the sun.

-- Laying in bed late at night, all is quiet, my head on J.'s chest, feeling that this is life worth living. Feeling like this type of peace doesn't just happen, but that it's worked for and earned with all your heart. Feeling like no matter what happens, this moment will always be pure and sacred. Will always be ours and ours alone.

-- Taking my dad to an old reservoir, watching him throw pieces of his chewing gum in the water and explain the habits of female bass to me. Gearhead, fisherman, humorist, same as always. Here I am at the age of 30, realizing that after all this time, my dad is just a man and I actually like my father.

-- Though I may never have a conversation with my mother when she is truly sober, she is still my mother and her own person and I must acknowledge that. I may always have to apologize for my mother's behavior, I may always receive drunken phone calls at 1am, I may always be put in the role of her "keeper," but I am still me and she is still her own person. It's easy to love someone with faults, but it's hard to maintain civility when that person's faults repeatedly fall upon your shoulders. This is the situation with my mother and I'm slowly (and sadly) realizing that it may always be that way. It cannot come between me and myself however and that is the hardest part, maintaining balance in the presence of unbalanced parents. I can love her though and reflect upon happier times and allow it to just be what it is. I can move and change and grow and become myself without demanding the same of her. It's hard and it's not the way I would want this story to end after 30 years of being inside it, but at least I am allowing the story to continue without knowing or manipulating the ending. That's something big for me indeed.

-- The way Bogey takes me away from all my lists, worries and agendas. The way he shoves a toy in my hand and says, "Here, play." It works.

-- Understanding that even though I quit my job in order to work on the house and even though that work is not nearly on schedule and funds are intermittent at best, it does not mean my hiatus was in vain. My soul has rested, my priorities have shifted, my relationships have become more positive, my goals seem outlined and renewed. I understand now that not contributing money does not mean I am worthless.