Burlap & Satin

I'm sure most people will not understand the lunacy of what they are about to read, but as a person that previously read "customer feedback" surveys and letters all day every day, I wanted to be sure that my letter wasn't tossed aside with the others. So yes, I actually spent most of my day working on this and have now printed it out and will now send all 5 pages of it to three different dog toy manufacturers first thing in the morning. I never said that I was perfectly sane, but in the interest of getting five minutes of peace in this house, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Enjoy. And as always, feedback welcome.

September 1, 2008

To Whom It May Concern,

Greetings. In 2004, I purchased a stuffed latex dog toy from a random clearance bin at an unknown megastore. It could have been PetSmart, it could have been Meijer, it could have been anywhere really. To be honest, it was a dog toy in a clearance bin and I bought it because it looked funny and had an awesome looooong squeak. I had hopes that our beagle Gypsy would enjoy it, but no dice. Then I had hopes that any dog that visited us for play dates would enjoy it, but again, no such luck. In fact, the more determined I was to make dogs enjoy this toy, the more they cowered in fear and avoided it at all costs. Still, I held onto this strange little toy with no real delineation and only the word "China" stamped on his feet. The reason? He was funky and I liked him.

He was a cross between so many random creatures that there is really no way to accurately describe him. He was gray and purple with wings, a tail, huge feet, horns, and barbs sticking out of his chest. I called him the "Horn-ed Penguin." My husband referred to him simply as "Medieval Duck." Either way, it is agreed that he had "bird-like features." Best of all though, when you would squeeze him and then simultaneously catapult him across the room while releasing, his squeal could be heard for miles. It was truly something to behold and we felt sorry that there didn't seem to be a dog on the planet that appreciated him for who he was.

Poor Horn-ed Penguin sat in the bottom of the doggie toy box undisturbed and tragically unloved until the magical date of 7.7.07. That was the day we brought home our new beagle puppy Bogey. Though initially overwhelmed by the assortment of plush toys preferred by his big sister Gypsy, Bogey quickly settled on one toy that was not like the others.

He liked its squeak, its smooth texture, the strange barbs sticking out of its chest. Yes, for Bogey and Horn-ed Penguin, it was love at first sight.

The bond between them only grew and grew and grew, much like Bogey himself.

Bogey’s obsession with Mr. Bird was at first cute and then worrisome. He sheltered Mr. Bird with an intensity we found lacking with his other toys. Even when we did not think Mr. Bird was in danger, Bogey was always watching out for his safety.

We soon learned that Bogey was actually part-coonhound. This led to a substantial increase in barking hyperactivity destruction energy in the household, but all was well, as we had Mr. Bird. No other toy on the planet could hold a candle to Mr. Bird in Bogey’s mind. He was nearly indestructible and always there to be fetched, thrown and chewed upon. If there was an earthquake, Mr. Bird was there. If stray dogs were barking two streets over, Mr. Bird could distract Bogey from the noises and restore calm in the house. If Bogey needed to loosen that one last baby tooth, Mr. Bird would gladly help. Once, during the great Excessive Napping Incident of 2007, Mr. Bird saved all of us by enduring a two-hour game of fetch and tug into the wee hours of the morning.

Just as we had feared, one day Mr. Bird suffered a massive puncture wound in his tail and stopped squeaking. In our desperation, we patched him with duct tape and he regained a faint wheezing sound for about a week. We were not about to lose our saving grace good and trusty friend Mr. Bird without a fight. Bogey had already learned what the word “toy” meant, but asking him to “find his toy” got no results and he usually wandered off to sniff something vile. However, to this day, if you ask Bogey “where’s your bird” he will suddenly perk up and use his Superhero Sniffing Powers to locate Mr. Bird, wherever he is. Often, he will do this without any prompting from anyone and you will find Mr. Bird being shoved (now begrudgingly) into your hand.

You see, Mr. Bird has aged quite rapidly in the past year of Bogey’s care. To be honest, we are quite sad for Mr. Bird at this point and feel that he has earned a blissful and dignified retirement. Unfortunately, we have been so unlucky trying to find a replacement and another younger model; we haven’t yet had the heart to let Mr. Bird know just how bad Bogey’s obsession with him has become. We try to avoid letting him look into mirrors or reflective surfaces. It’s for his own good really.

He no longer has any stuffing… or a face, or horns, or feet or a tail for that matter. Nonetheless, his limp body labors on, allowing him to be fetched and chewed with wild abandon. His loyalty is truly astounding and we feel he deserves a medal, if only his body could tolerate wearing one.

We love Mr. Bird, but unfortunately Bogey loves him on a level we will never quite understand. We have scoured and searched and begged every possible latex dog toy company we can find to help us locate at least the actual birth name of Mr. Bird. Finding another younger model to replace our poor old mangled friend would really make our day year, but you see, we have no memory of the company, name or retailer that sold Mr. Bird to us in 2004. To be honest, we are not even quite sure of how to go about “googling” Mr. Bird. Is he a penguin? Is he a duck? Is he a squeak toy? Is he an elaborate plot to get our coonhound puppy addicted to stuffed latex? We honestly do not know, nor do we care. Just to have Bogey happily squeaking and playing with a younger more naïve happier model of this toy would make our days endlessly satisfying.

We stumbled upon your particular line of “GRRR-emlins” stuffed latex dog toys via the internet recently and have to say we were taken aback. The similarities in texture, shape and detail really had us thinking we had found the manufacturer we had been looking for. Alas, we have found no Mr. Bird on your website. Sure, we could buy one of the other GRRR-emlins (Booglin and Hornelius are quite cute) and hope that our Bogey Boy would never notice. But I assure you, even though Bogey is hyper and stubborn, he is not stupid and will not stop until he has sniffed out the exact pinpointed location of his beloved Mr. Bird. (We’re not sure if you are familiar with the habits of a scent hound, but trying such a maneuver could actually have us frantically searching the local landfill hot on the heels of our determined coonhound, as that is just how far he would go to prove a point.) Nonetheless, we are desperate, sleep-deprived, exhausted, slightly out of our minds and hopeful. If you have ever created a Mr. Bird or have any of his younger siblings lying around in your basement, could you please contact us? Even just knowing his true birth name or model number would put us miles ahead of the game and allow us possibly five extra minutes of peace. We would honestly be ever so truly, truly, truly grateful. As would Bogey of course and most importantly our trusty old friend, Mr. Bird.

Sincerely Yours,

Staz

So what do you think? Too nuts? Doesn't matter really, it's getting mailed tomorrow anyway. I'm desperate here, people.

Today is going to be a busy day and then an even busier weekend as we go out of town to my dad's. So, since we have internet again, the quick-and-dirty.

Endocrinologist was awesome. Really like her and she's very thorough which rocked my socks. Also had my first ultrasound ever - on my thyroid in her office. She's sending me for a more thorough ultrasound on Monday because things were abnormal and she wants a more detailed look. I could have a nodule on my thyroid, but no matter what, something is definitely off and we'll find out when the results come in Monday. Preliminary diagnosis: Hashimoto's thyroiditis. Not exactly a surprise, but still - it's an autoimmune disorder that's highly genetic. Strange as I'm the only one in my family that has a thyroid problem. Blood test happened and went well. Results still not in, again I won't know much more until next week. But having answers and tests - that's something.

So that's the synopsis as we know it right now. I'm glad to be heading out of town this weekend, but also stressed as a major tragedy happened in my sister's family last week and funerals and visitations will be ongoing. Also, my mom finds out Monday if she has cancer in her arm or not. Again, lots of stuff on the horizon with no real certainty either way. So just say a prayer for us, send a vibe or two, and then hope that we get to really enjoy ourselves in the pool for a day. I know I could use a complete brain-drain, if only for a moment.

Have a great weekend and hold tight to your loved ones, everybody. In this crazy world, it really does matter.

So. An update.

1. Ultrasound on my thyroid: All clear. No nodules, no growths, no cysts. Better yet? No need for a biopsy (read: needle). Definite yay.

2. Endocrinologist/bloodwork: First off, I just want to say that I love my endocrinologist. She is a tiny thing with a small voice, but she does know her stuff. Plus, she's Russian so listening to her and J. speak to each other in Russian and the way she tries to grasp American slang makes me love her even more. Moving on.

Part I - Raging case of Hashimoto's Disease. (Autoimmune disorder that attacks the thyroid and causes hypothyroidism.) Informative, but not a real surprise.
Part II - Severe Vitamin D deficiency. Definite surprise. I spend a lot of time in the sun, I eat a good diet. Still, because I am a pale freckled Irish girl, I have to wear lots of sunscreen or I will burn beyond belief. Guess what? Wearing sunscreen decreases your body's ability to make Vitamin D. You can choose between skin cancer or a Vitamin D deficiency, but apparently you can't have both. Who knew?
So essentially my thyroid had deteriorated substantially in the last six months in addition to my Vitamin D levels dropping off severely. End result = a double whammy of fatigue. My thyroid medicine now gets a nice increase along with a prescription Vitamin D supplement (seriously, my D levels were dangerously low. In a scary way.). I truly, truly love having an endocrinologist.

3. My mother: Still nuts. Had to endure a massive screaming match between her and her knee surgeon about the fact that she is drinking too damned much and ruining her health. (Duh, welcome to the last 31 years of my existence. How's it feel to talk to a wall?) What I didn't appreciate was the implication that I am not doing enough to get her to stop drinking. Um, excuse me? Would you like me to play you a slide show of my entire childhood? Would you like to see the amount of times she's done whatever the hell she wanted to do, regardless of the ramifications? Yeah, I didn't think so. So fine. You just keep yelling at her and telling her that she's ruining her life and I'll take the 15 phone calls tonight from her while she's drunk because you "don't know what it's like to live her life and besides it's just beer." And around and around we'll go. Excellent. I love this kind of progress.

4. Bogey: hyper much? We've resorted to trying a head collar to get him to stop pulling on the leash. (Less pulling = more walks = less hyperactivity = happy house.) I don't like it so far because I can't jerk and get his attention when I need to, which is often, and because he literally stops, sits down, and refuses to walk any further for me when he's on it. J. does love it though because suddenly Bogey does just fine and J. can walk him without getting so aggravated he dreams of throwing him into traffic. It astounds me how much work and time I've put into training this dog and how much he now doesn't do anything for me, but does everything and a bag of chips for J. This is why I don't have kids. I am always the bad cop. However, Bogey does listen to me for a dog biscuit. A kid would require an iPod and a new car.

5. Life: stressful. I wish I could paint for you the picture of my endo appointment yesterday. It was two hours after my mother's screaming knee doctor appointment and in the same building. I thought I would get lucky and she would stay outside smoking a cigarette and calming down like she said she would. I should've known better. My endocrinologist actually looked at me closely upon my arrival and said, "You need to meditate." (Here I thought I was doing well!) The conversation then went something like this:

Endo: "How are you sleeping?"
Me: "Not well. I don't sleep very deeply and I wake up tired."
Endo: "Why don't you sleep deeply?"
Me: "I have very active and chaotic dreams. They don't stop all night."
Endo: "Hmm... are you under stress?"

At this exact moment, my mother barges into the exam room with beer on her breath, reeking of cigarette smoke, slurring her words, and sucking on a bloody finger that she later tells me she cut while dumpster diving in the parking garage - all with an orthopedic boot on her broken foot. Her cell phone starts to ring loudly in her giant overloaded purse and she can't find it to make it stop. Then, without so much as a hello or an introduction, she declares to both me and my surprised Endo at top volume, "I have osteoporosis! Did you tell her I have osteoporosis?! You might have it too, right?!"

You think I'm kidding or being dramatic, but I swear to you I couldn't make this shit up even if I worked for a sitcom.

I turn to my Endo. I have two options. I can say that yes, my mother is stressing me the fuck out on a daily basis and today's been a real humdinger, thankyouverymuch and then watch my mother start to cry about "how much of a failure" she is as a parent and imagine the giant 40 she will buy on the way home. Or I can say nothing and listen to my mother take over this huge appointment that I've waited weeks for, make it about her, gripe about her knee doctor to anyone that's not listening, and imagine the 40 she's going to buy anyway, regardless of what I do. But then again, I'm unbelievably fucking tired, I have a mean migraine starting behind my left eye and I just want to get the hell home and send my mother off to her own house before I lose my damn mind. Most of all though I want answers from this new doctor and I want a treatment plan so that I don't have to feel so damn tired anymore, regardless of what my mother does. Did I mention I'm tired?

The endo repeats her last question: "Are you stressed?"
Me: "No, not really.... Maybe... Sometimes."
Endo: "Okay, remember meditation. Try it, it can help you to do the sleeping."

6. So there you have it. I have a somewhat positive health outlook and a treatment plan. I've spent two days now sleeping and recovering just from the stress of one day with my mother. I did have a good time with my dad though over the weekend, reminiscing about the dumb things he did as a teenager and his hilarious depiction of a winter spent in Michigan. Still, it was just chaotic having the whole family in one place. It always is. Then when you add my mother to the mix, it's like adding a truckload of gasoline to a small campfire. Someone is going to be surprised, someone else is going to get hurt, and everyone is going to need a nap.

7. That's all I've got. Isn't that enough?

CVG (Cincy/Northern KY airport) is closed. 74 mph winds. Tree in our back yard slowly disintegrating into cracked pieces of debris. Shingles, shutters and siding flying off of our neighbors' houses. Most of the tri-state without power. So far, we have power and we're safe. Lucky us, as these are just the remnants!

The remnants of Ike came and went. Now, we're in the midst of a massive blackout. Luckily, Northern Kentucky is mostly up and running so we are very lucky, especially considering our power was never out in the first place. How that happened, we'll never know. I was in Ohio yesterday and was thoroughly amazed at the sight of entire grocery stores and gas stations closed and then sectioned off with tape because of the blackout.

What really makes me angry though is the way people are handling it. They're actually bringing lawsuits against Duke Energy, which is bullshit because Duke is doing the best it can. Every day when I drive down the streets, there they are, repairing a downed power line or pulling trees off of someone else's house in order to restore power. It's not like they're sitting on their collective asses, people. What's really stupid though is that Duke's downtown headquarters are having to pick up extra security because people are getting violent and making threats against them. WTF? Have you seen Texas, people? At least you HAVE A HOUSE. At least it is not 20 degrees or even worse - 105 with sweltering humidity. The weather's been pretty damn cooperative this week. Shame you haven't been.

Here, we had the chance to come together as a community and do something really great. Instead, and sadly as usual, Cincinnatians bring up "lawsuit" and threaten violence as soon as they are inconvenienced. I understand the people who have well water and therefore are without both electricity and water. I understand the people that are on oxygen and cannot power their own medical equipment. I do understand how that can be both urgent and frustrating. What I don't get is the people that are just pissed off because they can't play their Wii and how that somehow qualifies them to break the damn law.

Screw you. Get a grip. Go grab a chainsaw or a rake and help your neighbor. You might find the power comes on quicker as a result, not to mention you'll be in better shape than playing a damn video game.

*Disclaimer: I fully realize that not every Cincinnatian fits this profile and that the media distorts many things, but damn if general whiny-ness and hostility isn't a pattern every time we have a catastrophe.

Oh Good Lord, this is just not right on so many levels. I don't know whether to laugh or throw up.

You're not crazy. If you were here in the last hour or so, you may have seen a very Autumn-like design going on here. Truth is, I liked it and I finished it and I will be putting it up at some point. But right now? It's still nearly 90 degrees every damn day and to throw up some nice Fall leaves when I'm still wearing shorts and sweating constantly, well I'd just be living a lie, wouldn't I?

So, until then, enjoy my lovely Gypsy Girl taking in the ocean sunrise. It's a moment I don't want to forget because I'll be bemoaning the onset of cold weather soon enough and I want to hang on to these last few rays of hot sun while I still can.

WHAT: Happened at 9:00 am today?
I don't know, I was knocked out on Benadryl.

ARE YOU: Wearing something you borrowed from someone?
No.

WHAT: Is the last thing someone bought you?
J. went and got me a McFlurry last night because I was sick and I wanted ice cream, dammit.

WHEN: Was the last time you saw your top friends?
I don't rate my friends, thankyouverymuch, but it's been a while since I've seen anybody.

WHAT'S: Your current problem?
This damn earache that refuses to die, not to mention the swelling in my face as a result.

THE LAST: Food you ate?
Mini-wheats last night, to get the taste of crunched up steroids out of my mouth.

SOMETHING: You say when you are mad?
Dammit!!

DO YOU: Delete people off of myspace?
No, but if I could just delete all of Myspace, that would be swell.

FAVE: Drink?
Sweet Tea, the official wine of the South.

DO YOU : Crack your knuckles?
Yes when they're stiff and need cracking.

DID YOU: Cry at all today?
Nope.

ARE YOU: Ticklish?
Oh yeah.

WHO WAS: The last person you talked to last night before bed?
J. as always.

HAVE YOU MADE: A mistake this past week?
I never make mistakes, I am perfect.

DO YOU: Miss someone?
Yeah, don't we all?

DO YOU KNOW: Anyone with the same name as you?
Only via google, which isn't saying much.

HAVE ANY: Regrets?
Only a couple, but I'm working on them.

DO YOU USE: An alarm clock?
My current one is broken, so when I need to get up early I use my phone.

ARE YOU: Social or antisocial person?
Now see, I have a degree in psychology so this has always bothered me. People have totally skewed the meaning of "antisocial." It does not mean that you are not social, but rather it means that you are often reckless, irritable, impulsive and deceitful. This behavior then leads to a failure to adapt to social norms or lawful behaviors, often leading to multiple arrests and run-ins with various authority figures. An antisocial person is actually quite the opposite of "non-social" because they thrive on sociopathic behavior and have a complete disregard for the safety of others. So in that respect, no I am not an antisocial person.
Don't even get me started on whole "I'm so schizo" phrase either, because that's totally wrong too. Ahem.

DO YOU: Have a tan?
HAHAHAHAHHAAAAAA! I'm Irish people, I haven't tanned a day in my life. Only third degree burns for me, baby.

DO YOU TRUST: People?
Sometimes, sometimes not so much.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING: Tomorrow?
Probably still nursing this nasty ear infection and trying to get better. Exciting, yeah?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING: At 5 in the morning?
Sleeping. Duh.

Had a loss recently?
Sure, but nothing so major I couldn't function.

Last movie you saw?
Pan's Labyrinth via Netflix.

What was the last thing you said out loud?
"Hi, Jekyll."

How is the weather right now?
Hot, sunny and distinctly non-Autumn-like.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Husband checking to see how I'm feeling. He's going to try and come home early to take care of me. Aww.

First thing you'll save in a fire?
Husband, pets, external hard drive because that's where the photos are.

What do you always take with you?
Keys, cell phone, wallet.

What do you do as soon as you walk into the house?
Throw stuff onto the table, calm the dogs down, let dogs out.

What was your favorite toy as a child?
Stuffed animals, Cabbage Patch dolls, Sweet Pickles books, the family pet.

Are you a good speller?
Absolutely.

Have you ever been to a strip club?
No.

What was your first alcoholic beverage?
I don't drink. I've tasted various things, but it all tastes like cough syrup to me, so no thanks.

Do you have an iPod?
Yes. The hard drive is fried and it makes me sad.

If you were a crayon what color would you be?
I'm feeling very Cornflower or Midnight Blue today.

Something you're looking forward to?
Halloween, seeing Michigan with the dogs this Fall.

What's your view on drugs?
None for me thanks.

Do you drink gingerale?
No.

Can you play pool?
Oh yes.

Who did you wake up next to this morning?
Gypsy. She had snuck up into the bed after J. left.

Do you have in-laws, if so do you like them?
One, she's not so bad.

What kind of cookie do you dislike?
I don't think "cookie" and "dislike" belong in a sentence together.

What brand of lotion do you use?
Gold Bond for body. Dove on the face.

The last TV show you watched?
Probably Colbert Report last night before bed.

How far away is your 10-year reunion?
Two years ago. No, I had no desire to go.

Do you put your money in order from largest to smallest?
Yes, and the bills must be facing the same direction. If you've ever worked retail, you probably do the same damn thing. Don't lie.

Do you really need to take your dog everywhere?
Yes. Unless it's not safe for them (i.e. too hot, chaotic, dangerous, etc) How else do they get socialized?

Does your shower have doors or curtains?
Doors. Old nasty doors, but doors nonetheless.

Have you ever licked a battery?
I'm licking one right now.

Have you ever made a prank call before?
Yes.

When was the last time you colored in a coloring book?
I love to color, but it's been a while. Maybe a year?

What is your favorite football team?
I'm going to say the Bengals because I live five minutes from them, but college football is so much better. And to that I say Wolverines, baby.

Do you find happiness in little things?
Yes.

Are there railroad tracks near your house?
No.

Is there anything expired in your refrigerator?
Well, if there is, I obviously don't know about it and will discover it later at an inopportune time.

Do you have any nervous habits?
Nail biting that's now evolved into obsessive nail filing.

What is the last piece of candy you ate?
The M&Ms in my McFlurry last night.

Tell us something about your neighbor:
Whatever you do, don't mess with his property line. Good Lord.

Have you ever watched "Jon & Kate Plus Eight" on TLC?
Yes, J. loves the show. I've kind of outgrown it.

Do you have any weird habits?
I'm sure I do. Don't we all?

Where do you buy your groceries from?
Kroger or Remke. Walmart is evil.

Do you wear hoodies often?
In appropriate weather, yes.

Something you can't sleep without:
Sleep CDs/Music or a book to read.

If I were a doll the accessories packaged with me would be:
Beagles, camera, a paint can, and my car.

The last person you argued with:
Oh, probably J.

The funniest person you know?
Me

What ringtone is on your phone?
I decided to rebel and chose a ring tone that sounded like an actual phone.

If you found out you couldn't have kids would you adopt?
If I wanted them, yes. But since I don't, no.

What are your initials?
I blog anonymously here, so I guess ASZ?

Worst fear?
Arachnids.

Who was the last person in your bed?
Me.

Where were you at 7am?
Sleeping.

Last person you hugged?
Husband.

Does anyone you know want to date you?
Probably not.

Have you ever driven without a license?
Nope.

The last place you went out to dinner?
Penn Station this evening.

Do you like your name?
Considering I picked it out myself, yes, very much so.

What time of the day is it?
11:27pm

Who made you angry today?
Lots of things, it's been a hard day.

Baseball or Football?
Football or better yet, hockey.

Do you like birds?
Yes.

Do you download music?
Oh yeah. All legal though.

Do you care if your socks are dirty?
I'm prone to Athlete's Foot so yes.

Opinion of Chinese symbol tattoos?
Fad. Get over it, people. Those symbols probably don't even mean what you think they mean.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes.

Whose bed did you sleep in last night?
The Marital Bed. (Haha, I sound like my Southern Baptist ancestors.)

Have you ever gone white-water rafting?
Yes. It's a big family favorite of ours.

Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you?
Oh yes.

How many pets do you have?
Five. (Six if you count our cat that lives with my mom.)

Have you met a real redneck?
I was raised by the best of them.

How is the weather right now?
Nice, but still too damn hot for late September.

What was the last movie you watched?
Pan's Labyrinth I think.

Do you wear contacts?
No

Where was the last place you went besides your house?
Penn Station and then the Kroger parking lot. (It's a long story.)

What do you usually order from Starbucks?
I've only had Starbucks like twice, but it was always the Spiced Apple Cider they served in the Fall.

Ever had someone sing to you?
Yes

Have you ever fired a gun?
No.

Are you missing someone?
Myself mostly.

What do you have an obsession with?
Home renovation, design, animals, color.

Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, when I was younger it was Michelle Pfeiffer and Sissy Spacek. Now it's Julianne Moore for some reason. Weird.

Who would you like to see right now?
Myself in five years.

Are you afraid of falling in love?
No.

Have you ever been caught doing something you weren't suppose too?
Sure.

Has anyone you were really close to passed away?
Yes.

Taco Bell or Burger King?
They're both around the corner from us and they're both gross.

Last time you went bowling?
Damn, I don't even know. Fifteen years ago or something?

Who did you last talk to on the phone?
Husband.

Last place you hugged someone?
A few minutes ago in the car.

Last person you text messaged?
Husband.

How was your day?
Emotional, draining, hard.

Do you know anyone named Matt?
I used to, once in high school and again in college.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
Three weeks ago? Weekend after Labor Day.

Is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Very, very straight.

Who was the last person you rode in a car with?
Husband.

Do you think you are smart?
Yes

Who was the last person you took a picture of?
If not one of the dogs, probably me on my cell phone or something goofy.

Do you have a best friend?
Not really. I like to have lots of different friends.

Do you use smiley faces on the computer a lot?
Sometimes.

Who did you last go out to eat with?
Husband.

Is the sun shining?
No, just the stars.

What jewelry are you wearing?
None. I just took it all off, but I only wear my wedding band/engagement ring.

How are you?
Okay, just drained, tired and raw.

Are you tired right now?
I'm always tired. Ask my thyroid.

Do you chew on your straws?
No.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months or more?
I know I can.

Are you mad at someone right now?
Not really.

Will you get married?
I already have.

Are you a forgiving person?
Sometimes. I'm getting better.

What's the last thing you put in your mouth?
Toothbrush.

When was the last time you saw number 3 on your top friends?
I don't rate my friends, but it's been a while since I've seen anybody.

How late did you stay up last night and why?
5am. Insomnia lead to me researching master's programs. Yes, I'm insane.

When was the last time you cried really, really hard?
About an hour ago. It's been a hard and ugly day.

Who took your profile picture?
I don't have a profile picture.

The last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I'm going to say when I took my mom to the doctor two weeks ago.

Were you happy when you woke up today?
Yes actually, as briefly as it lasted. It's getting better though.

Today I broke down in spontaneous tears. This is not like me. Easy crying is not in my nature. Things have to build to a point that I can no longer stand before I will start crying.

It's been a draining week, literally. I've been fighting what I can only call an ear infection for the past week. My doctor refuses to call it an ear infection, even though my right ear/lymph node is massively swollen, tender and painful and full of fluid. First she put me on steroids (um, I'm hypothyroid, this is a no-no) and then after the steroids didn't work (gasp!) she put me on an antibiotic. Neither of them seem to be helping. After I told her that Sudafed caused my heart/breathing rates to race and increase sharply, she then asked me, "Can't you just take some Sudafed?" Needless to say, I'm unimpressed with this doctor. There are days when she is spot on and on top of things, but then there are just as many days when she doesn't seem to remember who I am and never gives me the proper diagnosis. I'm too sick and too tired to keep playing Jekyll and Hyde with this woman, not to mention the money we sink into co-pays and medications that are both A) incorrect for my illness and B) contraindicating with all my health issues and/or other medications. So, to sum up, I've taken Sudafed, Benadryl, steroids and an antibiotic all week and feel absolutely no change. My ear hurts, my hearing is muffled, my lymph node is swollen and full of fluid, and I've been battling a wonderful fever. Aces!

J. and I also had a massive argument on Thursday that lasted well into the night. We're okay now and improvements are in progress, but what I'm learning in this new faulted body of mine is that the slightest amount of stress can cause me days of recovery. I used to be a person that would feel a second wind and a new rush of energy once something was resolved. Now, even when apologies are made and the air is cleared, I always feel like I need a nap. This makes me nuts. It makes me feel like I am a porcelain doll that must be left undisturbed for fear of disturbing her delicate equilibrium. Don't make me yell, I might have an asthma attack! Watch where you spray that cleaner, it might give me pneumonia! Don't make me tense, my immune system will overreact and shut me down for days! Frankly, it's annoying as hell and so not me.

I think that's why I started to cry earlier. This is my body and I love it and it tells my story, but living inside of it lately feels like being in a prison. I looked at my dogs and realized I can no longer walk them. I looked at my husband and realized I can no longer get away with him. I looked at my house and realized I can no longer improve it and make it my own. I am not well enough to work and help with our scant finances. I am not even well enough to do the research that might make me well. If that is not the cruelest irony, I don't know what is.

I am trying to be patient. I am trying to be kind. My body needs something and it's my job to give it just that. But my soul, my spirit, and my family need something too. They need me and I cannot give them that without the cooperation of my body. It's a tug-of-war and a necessary partnership all at once. It's exhausting to be fighting for your health all the time, every minute, every day. It's even worse when the health you've fought so hard for can be taken away so quickly by the very body you live in. Having an autoimmune disorder is like feeding a very temperamental monster. It must be fed, but it can never get too full. It must also be kept hungry, but it must never starve. Your body lives a life of delicate balance while your soul tries simply to understand.

This is it, my new normal. I'm not sure I could explain it or understand it even if I had the energy to try. I know it's annoying to read about it all the time, I'm certainly tired of talking about it myself. This is my struggle though and my only way to understand something is simply to live within it. I have to maintain hope that there will be a day when I am not necessarily well, but well enough. I want to live and laugh, not cough and cry. I want to thrive instead of exist. I want to never again be afraid to want. Mostly though, I want my body to be mine again, to co-exist with it in such a way that it allows me the rewards of living life.

I know the financial markets are collapsing. I know people are panicking about money and the future of our country. But today, I stopped caring about the outside world and its troubles. Yet at the same time, I found I cared more for my loved ones than ever before.

Today. Well, today is the day I found a lump in my breast.

It's large and it's very hard and pain explodes through my breast every time I touch it. Bogey leaned against me today and when it hurt more than it should, that's when I noticed it. I guess you could say he saved my life, or maybe at the very least he woke me up. What can you possibly write after something like this? I've cried off and on all day today. The colors of the world seem brighter to me all of a sudden. My husband's embrace seems more important to me than ever. All of my dreams and future plans are suddenly outlined in stunning clarity. Everything inconsequential fades away so rapidly. It could be something, it could be nothing. I could be turning myself inside out for no legitimate reason. I could be incredibly optimistic now only to be dropped like an anchor later. But one thing is for certain: this is real. This is 100% for real. This is not a movie, this is not my imagination, this is not someone else's story. This is happening to me and it is absolutely real.

So I have an appointment with my doctor for Wednesday morning at 10am. Until then, I try not to think, not to worry and not to cry. I try not to think of the what-ifs and the needles and the procedures that will follow. I hold my husband so, so tight, I love my dogs, I appreciate my cats, I watch the leaves change and I hold my husband again. I watch his eyes tear up when he tells me, "I know you're afraid. We'll be afraid together." His embrace, I cannot get enough of his embrace. I let his love carry me and I hear again and again the same song.

Here is what I know now, it goes like this
In your love, my salvation lies in your love
In your love, my salvation lies in your love

Then I hear that other song that's been the mantra of my entire existence. It's about looking back on your life, knowing what lies ahead of you and offering the only advice you can without changing the future. Knowing that your meddle will be tested in ways you never thought. Knowing that something else is coming, but that you are there waiting for yourself on the other side of the mountain. Knowing there is a reason, if you can just be strong for a little while longer.

We'll see how brave you are
We'll see how fast you'll be running
We'll see how brave you are
Yes, Anastasia