Burlap & Satin

Beagles to the rescue

2008-08-27T17:57:51Z

I need some happy up in this joint, so today is video day! If you've ever tried to train a beagle to do anything, you will understand why this video initially amazes me and then has me laughing my ass off. And this one is simply the most adorable video ever made. Seriously. With that, I am off to take my own hounds to lunch and maybe the dog park. We'll see ~~what I have the energy to do~~ what they "persuade" me into doing.

You keep me hanging on

2008-08-27T04:07:29Z

*sigh* It never ends in health care, does it? The complications, the wild cards, the delays. Yesterday, I finally had my most-dreaded appointment with Dr. DoNothing and ended up being completely surprised. Not only was she sympathetic and listening to me, but she was on top of her game for the first time since I've started seeing her. She went over my last blood test results (six months ago) and agreed that even though I was within "normal" range, I probably needed to be tweaked a little still. (Woah.) She then prescribed numerous extra blood tests for me to have done at the endocrinologist today and gave me copies of all my previous thyroid records. Seriously, this woman really wowed us yesterday. (Maybe I should change her name to Dr. DoSomething?) So then we arrive at today. I was dreading the blood test (as is normal with me) and got a grand total of two hours sleep the night before. I'd also been dogsitting my mom's annoying-ass yappy dogs for two days and my nerves were on edge. But I did everything right. I brought my paperwork, we arrived early, I had my sedatives in hand ready to take about 20 minutes before the bloodwork began. We get there, there is no paperwork for me. They don't even have my name on the roster. Dr. DoNothing had faxed over everything she was supposed to and all was in order. Dr. Endo had seen no record of my appointment and had left for the day. Yeah. Eventually, after waiting about 20 minutes, the office manager came out and informed us that we would have to reschedule, as Dr. Endo is not even close to the building and hasn't even seen my paperwork yet. I asked if I could come back tomorrow because I really wanted this bloodwork done and out of the way. Her response was, "She's only here on Tuesdays." To which J.'s sharp-yet-awesome reply was, "Except this one." If you could only have seen my absolute mental breakdown sitting outside on a bench in front of the entire medical community. Blood tests are so fucking impossible for me. I spend days, weeks dreading them, working myself up, trying not to panic, having nightmares, trying not to hyperventilate and overstimulate myself. I had also fasted for nearly 12 hours and was starving. All they had to do was show up for one appointment. ONE. (Did I mention I was the only endocrinologist appt scheduled that day? Yet they still couldn't be bothered to show up? For ONE appointment?) Dr. DoNothing offered to do some of the bloodwork for me that day, but in the end, I don't want to have two separate blood tests to worry about in the same week - one from Dr. DoNothing, one from Dr. Endo. I just want it all done at once, I want it over. I am scheduled for another appointment next Tuesday. This is how desperate I am for answers, I will put myself through anxiety hell for another week just to speak to someone that understands my thyroid. I was assured that Dr. Endo WILL be there (and by the look on the office manager's face, I believe this) and I am one of the first appointments of the day. Still, considering I am a new patient and had never met this doctor before, it's a hell of a first impression, don't you think? It just sucks in a bad way. I was so excited (and worked up) for this endo appt and now I know absolutely nothing. Square One really is not where I wanted to be. This is one of the reasons I cried my eyes out earlier today. I didn't want to go another week not knowing. I didn't want to feel this bone-crushing exhaustion for yet another seven days. I didn't want to feel like a burden on my husband and animals because I am so useless lately. I didn't want to continue living like this for another week just to have to wait on test results for days afterward. It all just sucks. But that's where I am. What can I do?

A few things before bed... and the long week ahead.

2008-08-25T05:24:01Z

-- Tomorrow I have to see Dr. DoNothing because apparently she doesn't believe I still have asthma and won't refill my rescue inhaler until she sees me. If I have a massive asthma attack and have to go to the ER before tomorrow, send her the bill for me, would ya? -- Tuesday I finally see a damned endocrinologist! My biggest worry at this point is that they will do a million tests and find nothing wrong with me. So, um, pray for sickness please? Well, at least on Tuesday? -- Right after I wrote that last entry, my mom was told by a doctor that she has a "probable lymphoma" on her arm. After scheduling her MRI, she went outside to clear her head and walk her dogs. Then she tripped over her feet and broke her foot. She's now in a cast. It's Medical Week here at Chez Staz! Yippee! -- Did I mention we're planning to take our yearly trip to Michigan at the end of the week? You know, the day after my endo appointment and all my tests? *sigh* It's almost too much to think about. -- This book that I'm reading is absolutely amazing. If you're a sick person like me that has had a lot of crappy doctors, I highly recommend it. I have a feeling it's going to completely change the way I talk to my doctors from now on.

There has to be an invisible sun, that gives us hope when the whole day's done

2008-08-19T03:02:55Z

My life as of late, because I know you will be riveted: -- Went home this past weekend. When I say home, I mean Eastern Ky where my dad lives, my hometown. It was nice. We went out on the pontoon, took some amazing photos of a late summer sunset and watched what's known as a FishCam while dad fished. (That thing is hilarious and makes fishing infinitely more entertaining - especially for non-fishing types like me.) Bogey had his first ever boat ride and handled it, well... swimmingly. In typical boy fashion, he was at the helm of the boat, taking on the smells as they came. Gypsy is more zen and likes to stay in place, letting the scents come to her. We spent the rest of the weekend watching Michael Phelps break records and playing with my dad's 80lb Labrador Retriever in the pool. It was a good time though, a good weekend and I needed the battery recharge. Plus, I hadn't seen my dad since we all went to the beach two months ago and it was nice. -- Back in March, I had my first thyroid blood test in over a year. I was absolutely positive my dose would need to be adjusted and that my hypothyroidism had worsened. It was undeniable. When two ditzy girls from my new ineffectual doctor's office called afterward to tell me "everything is fine" with no further explanation, I was absolutely shocked. Dr. DoNothing has not called me to explain my TSH levels, nor does she even remember my name when I'm there. Over the past month, my symptoms have worsened to the point that I am almost incapacitated on a daily basis. I lay on the couch drifting in and out of sleep and I am immediately dizzy and/or feeling faint as soon as I stand or sit up. My periods have become irregular again, my hair is falling out at a small but steady pace, my memory and comprehension are pretty much shot, and my throat is thick again and I have difficulty swallowing. It is the exact same scenario as four years ago, before I was ever properly diagnosed. I'm sick of Dr. DoNothing and I've had it with picking my doctors out of a phone book. So now I've spent the past month calling endocrinologists and researching in depth every local doctor I can find. If they haven't published any studies that specifically focus on hypothyroid, then they don't get my business. Simple as that. I don't have the time or energy to keep wasting co-pays on doctors that treat hypothyroidism like it is the common cold, easily treatable and a waste of their time. It is a complex illness that affects every single organ system. So I need a specialist. Of course, now that I have managed to find one that specializes in hypothyroid and the causes of hypothyroid, I cannot even get through to his office staff. I repeatedly get a message saying that if I wish to schedule an appointment, "leave a message." What the...? Does this mean that he's really good and busy or that he's just a jackass? Man, I miss my old awesome doctor. I'd give anything to have five minutes of her time and a good referral. Preferably before I fall asleep at the wheel someday from pure exhaustion. Poor Husband is very worried about me and continues to try reaching this new doctor every day leaving desperate messages. It's really all we can do right now. -- My mom is separating from her fifth husband. Yes, fifth. It's a good thing I guess, but what good does a separation do if you're constantly staying overnight at your estranged spouse's apartment? Whenever she's not around him, she's somewhat normal again, laughing and confident. The minute she's with him, she's back to nerve-wracking neediness again, bitching about everything under the sun and demanding that I fix everything. Part of me wants them to be divorced and have it done with. The other part of me dreads taking care of her when she's alone, drinking too much and unable to handle life on her own. It's a slippery slope, being the daughter of my mother. You help her too much, she'll use you, never thank you and make you insane. You offer her too little of your comfort and time, she acts like you're the coldest person on the planet and tells everyone how much "you hate her." There is no winning and I am done trying. All I can do is offer tips and advice, then step back. I have my own life to worry about. After the childhood I had, I'm not about to ruin what's left of my adulthood. -- Since putting in our new floor, we've taken a break from big home renovations for a while. Sure, we still do little projects here and there, but with my current health status, it's just not worth it for me to be hammering, sanding and painting away right now. So we live on our awesome nice floor and wait for life to even out. I have come to terms with the fact that what we are doing right now is all we can do. I'd love to be able to do more (I always want to do more), but I have to be patient. My body deserves my time and it's my job to give it just that.

Lonesome Road

2008-08-14T05:55:16Z

I find myself withdrawing. I don't know exactly why, maybe it's just easier? I'm a person that doesn't mind being alone - prefers it actually - and even though that's probably not healthy, it is what it is. As always, I will go back into my childhood for answers. I was basically a pain in the ass of every step-parent that ever raised me, so naturally, I spent a lot of time alone. I know now that my behaviors were those of normal children, but the entire concept of having to care for someone other than yourself was just a concept my step-parents and sometimes parents did not grasp well. So off I went, relegated to my bedroom to escape into my imagination, indulge in my alone-ness. It's a feature that's both served me well and cursed me. I never truly learned how to properly interact with others, how to "be social." When people think I'm being a snob or stand-offish, in reality it's usually just me being afraid or too insecure to approach strangers. On the other hand, I used to be in theatre and I'm a natural performer in daily life. If you'd just met me, you would think I was loud, obnoxious, outgoing, forward. Sure, I can turn it on for strangers and I often turn it on for truly close friends that I trust, but for the most part I'm a very private person. I like to be at home with my animals, lost in my thoughts, wearing pajamas, yelling at the TV. Most people will tell you they like those same things too (who doesn't?), but for me it's become preferable to just about everything else. I don't leave the house much lately, I don't get dressed in real clothes much lately, and I certainly don't reach out to real live people much if at all. I realize it's kind of a crutch, my reclusion. If I don't interact with new people, then there's no chance I'll make a fool out of myself, right? If I don't try to create new friends, then there will be no opportunities to stick my foot in my mouth at dinner, no? Hell, I feel awkward making small talk with a cashier at the grocery store. It's never shyness or irritability with others. It's always me and the crippling fear I'll make a fool out of myself. It's a fear that's followed me my whole life. I was teased a lot all throughout school and it's because of my forwardness and lack of inhibition that I have such an astounding number of truly cringeworthy embarassing moments in my history. My problem isn't fear of being exposed as an uninteresting twit, but rather it's the fear of having to explain and then assault new people with all my eccentricities and hope beyond hope that they will still understand. I watch people connect and make small talk in every day life and I find myself absolutely enraptured. A introduces herself to B, they discuss mutual interests and acknowledge their immediate common denominator (same neighborhood, same breed of dog, same aged kids, same workplace, etc). At some point a connection is made and A or B is asking the other one to lunch, over for a cookout, exchanging business cards, telephone numbers, dog parks. The relationship is immediately furthered and an acquaintance and/or friend is created. I immediately begin thinking like a scientist/outsider, studying the indigenous behaviors of these two people. How did they know to ask that particular question? How did they know to progress the conversation that way? How did they so easily invite each other over for a barbecue? What is that like? Where did they learn that? Why don't I have that capability? Where did I not learn it? I am evolved enough to know there isn't anything fundamentally wrong with me, per se. What I do believe is that if the proper sculpting isn't there in the beginning, then the shape of the clay 30 years later will be incredibly rough. It will not resemble anything else out there and it will not be considered the norm. That alone is sadly all it takes for massive rejection by the human race. We form groups, we categorize, we cluster, we classify ourselves, we classify others. It is what gives us a sense of order. I have learned that I look like I fit, but I don't. I appear to be normal, when I am not. I seem to have a common denominator, when I have none. I am a remarkable chameleon that blends with nothing or no one. It is both an invigorating and lonely place to live. In order to find others like you, you must approach a vast sea of others that appear normal and secretly hope that they are somewhat shattered, odd, broken and unkempt on the inside just like you. You must approach all the other Normals, tap their shells, prepare for them to reject you and run away. All in the hope of finding a single person that stays put, admires your amazing shape-shifting abilities and gives you the comfort of companionship. At the same time though, if you are rejected, it is almost expected. So you retreat, hide, withdraw. It is easy and difficult all at the same time.

100 Things - Modified

2008-08-11T04:47:56Z

I thought it would be interesting to go back through my 100 Things and see if any of them are still true. Judging by the way my life and myself have both transformed in the past three years, I'm betting not. Originally posted 7/12/05. Wow, that seems like an eternity ago. (Keep an eye out for strikethroughs and italics.) 1. I've lied to professors about "family emergencies" in order to get out of doing projects and I don't regret it. Still true, but I do kind of regret it. I wish that I'd been more focused in college and simply gotten a degree in art like I wanted to, rather than cutting so much class. ~~2. I often talk out loud to people from my past that aren't here (as a result of various childhood issues) - and it's really starting to annoy me.~~ This isn't so true for me anymore, though I believe I will always struggle with some of the demons, just not so much as to interfere with my life. 3. I'm getting better about that though for the first time in my life, and I'm starting to be calmer as a result. ~~4. My favorite junk food fix is chocolate-chip cookies from a tube with skim milk.~~ Nope, not anymore. Now, it seems to be pizza. ~~5. I always wish I could play a killer guitar by ear like my dad.~~ My dad still plays killer guitar by ear, but it's not my coveted instrument anymore. Guitar gets you chicks, piano gets you respect. I'll take the piano. 6. I have had stomach problems since I was born... literally. I was born with IHPS and also had a giant piece of 'gristle' in my intestines which didn't allow me to digest food properly and caused massive projectile vomiting. When my mother took me in for my two-month checkup, I had actually lost weight and was immediately taken into surgery. 7. I still have a very large scar on my stomach from where this 'gristle' was removed and the Ramstedt procedure was performed. To this day, drinking carbonated beverages makes me sick as hell. 8. All that projectile vomiting traumatized my dad. He has never fed a baby since. I still tease him about it. ~~9. I love painting entire rooms and remodeling.~~ Obviously this was written before we bought the Fixer Upper from Hell. I still enjoy the designing of a room, just not the actual work so much. I have to say though that painting is still my strong suit and I really don't mind it. 10. If I'm stuck in a boring white room, I get depressed easily and feel trapped. ~~11. I can put myself into a trance that paralyzes my body.~~ You know, I haven't tried this since I was like 19, so who cares 12. I once threw up on a crowded school bus all over everyone - and laughed because it felt good to throw up on the same people that picked on me everyday. 13. Anything even remotely regarding the "stuff inside of our nostrils" makes me nauseous. 14. As does watching people eat bugs and particularly worms. 15. I think spiders have some of the coolest habits on the planet - yet I am horribly arachnophobic. 16. I think snakes kick ass. 17. If I had to live my life without music, I would die. No joke. I can't even fathom such a thing. ~~18. My only goal in life is to be happy. That's it.~~ Yes, being happy is my major goal, but now I don't think I would be truly happy unless I was making a difference in the world. That's next on my list. 19. I am a huge Stephen King fan. I read Misery when I was nine years old and never looked back. 20. I corresponded with Stephen King for many years as a teenager and he was always friendly and always wrote me back. 21. My mom was in jail for a week once when I was 7 and I talked to her through the glass on those big black telephones. Believe it or not, I thought it was really fun. ~~22. I feel that there are relatives and friends looking out for me from the other side and I pray to them regularly to send me some good energy and put in a good word for me with whoever's in charge.~~ I still do this, but I'm starting to slowly connect and try to understand what I can only consider to be "God." I'm trying, not always succeeding. ~~23. I love ketchup, tomato soup and marinara sauce, but I hate raw tomatoes. Lately though, I've been learning to tolerate them a little better.~~ So not true anymore. I love them and put them on burgers, cook with them, etc etc. I still don't think I could just eat one raw though. Yuck. ~~24. I've never been able to eat raw produce. If I eat any vegetables at all, they must be cooked.~~ Still true. Actually I've discovered that eating raw veggies kind of makes me sick. 25. I've been vegetarian since July 1st, 2004 - the day I gave a class speech on factory farms. Yes, my decision was for moral reasons. Still veggie, still loving it. 26. I hate PETA. I believe their extremism undermines the entire animal rights movement. 27. I once almost hit a deer on the highway, but screeched to a stop less than three inches from him. He was pissed anyway and bucked the living shit out of my car. There were hoof prints in my radiator. ~~28. I eat entirely too much cheese.~~ Working on this. Trying to eat healthier and go easy with the cheese and sauces. So far, I've found some good stuff. 29. My favorite tv show growing up was The A-Team. I revered Mr. T and even watched his cartoon on the USA network. Shut up. 30. I've been a serious Garfield fan and collector since I was a child. My Garfield memorabilia collection is quite massive. I don't read the comic so much anymore, but I still love the Stuff. 31. I had my heart set on being a veterinarian until I was 14. When I went to a 'career interest day' in 9th grade, a counselor told me that my science grades were horrible and that I had a 'snowball's chance of getting into vet school.' Worst of all, my dad said she was 'probably right.' I was crushed and it changed my life forever. 32. Later that year, a friend told me I should be an actress. I tried it and quickly became hooked. 33. Five years after that, I discovered I hated acting and took a photography class on a whim in college. 34. I've been an avid photographer ever since. It was my major in college and then became my minor. 35. My degree is a Bachelor's of Art in Psychology only because it will bring me back to my first love - animals. Particularly how animals and humans relate to each other (also known as ethology). 36. It took nearly 10 years for me to discover that the stupid career fair bitch was wrong all this time. 37. My dad gave me my sense of humor by watching SNL and Monty Python with me when I was young. 38. He also gave me my perfectionist tendencies. 39. I was a seriously compulsive and destructive nail biter for my entire life, until miraculously at the age of 27, I graduated college and just decided I wasn't going to do it anymore. So far, it's worked. God, I wish this was still true. The nailbiting returned nearly a month after the wedding in '07. Don't know why and I still can't seem to stop. 40. I was once homeless for a few months - and slept on the benches at my college during the summer. I still don't like to talk about that time in my life. 42. I don't believe in right and wrong. I believe everything is on a continuum of varying shades of grey. 43. In the summer of 2002 at the age of 25, I found out that I have a Level II Mathematical Learning Disorder. This means that I can read numbers just fine, but that I can't process abstract concepts, like algebra or calculus. It also means that I have difficulty adding or subtracting double digits in my head. 44. I think Intelligence testing is a crock and it pisses me off when people use I.Q. scores as a reference. I still don't know what to think about what we call "learning disorders." 45. I go to tarot readers regularly and believe in their abilities. Yes, I've been ripped off by a lot of fakes (and even dated one), but I've currently found a very good tarot reader that has continually blown me away with her predictions, so I'm sticking with her. This is so not true anymore. I've really shifted my thinking in that respect and taken control of my destiny. I guess for me, I've started to believe that no matter what happens, I will trust myself to handle it regardless of whether or not it was predicted ahead of time. So why worry about predicting it when you could be living it? 46. I've been into astrology very heavily since I was 7 years old and discovered horoscopes in the newspaper. Though I know more about astrology than most people, I don't flaunt it anymore. I figure it's not really worth the breath when so many other people claim themselves to be 'experts.' Also, I'm starting to realize that you create your own lives and it's just not so important to me lately to find out what the stars say. It's kind of sad, as astrology was one of the few things at which I was damn good. I do still believe that some astrological traits are interesting, but again, see #45. 47. I began blogging in June of 2002 on Blogger and moved to my own domain here one year later. 48. The name for Burlap Soul describes me perfectly. It comes from one of my favorite poems - Words Never Spoken by Doris Vanderlipp Manley. ~~49. I haven't eaten breakfast since I was 20 years old. Eventually I got to a point where it just made me sick every day, so I quit.~~ I've started eating at least a granola bar in the mornings, just to try and kick-start my weird-ass metabolism. ~~50. My dream home would be a custom designed architectural oddity on a horse ranch in the hills of Kentucky - and have lots of animals and lots of land.~~ Yeah, you know, I don't know about this one anymore. I do want lots of animals and lots of land, but if I have a house I enjoy and am comfortable living in, then I'll be happy. I would like a vacation cottage on Lake Huron though, that's a given. 51. I'm a huge tomboy at heart. Wearing cute "girly" things has always made me want to puke, but lately I'm surprised to see that I'm embracing femininity just a little. For instance, I've started to really like hot pink. Again, I'm starting to embrace looking feminine. It's a slow process and I'll always be a bit of a tomboy, but I'm learning that looking like a girl isn't so bad either. ~~52. I intend to remain a virgin until I am married. No religious reasons - it just feels right to me.~~ Um, yes I did, but now I'm married, so um, no. 53. I am still undecided as to whether or not I want to have children. I don't know that I can handle the responsibility and loss of independence. 54. Also, as a child abuse survivor, I'm horribly terrified of having kids and then fucking them up. I don't want to make anyone feel the pain I felt. 55. I've been stalked before in real life. I don't recommend it. 56. I have the most horrible balance of anyone I know. I can't roller skate, rollerblade, or ice skate. It's a miracle that I can still ride a bike. 57. Last year, I fulfilled one of my lifelong goals - learning Italian. I love the language and can't wait to see Italy someday. ~~58. I'm terrified of flying. I've been on one flight in my life and it was the longest 90 minutes ever.~~ I haven't had the opportunity to fly anywhere since that first horrible flight, but hopefully I'll be able to enjoy it when it comes? We'll see. 59. I've worn some variation of a Garfield watch every day since I was 14. I have a permanent tan line on my wrist. I feel naked and anxious when I forget my watch. 60. Coloring books are one of my favorite unwinding activities. I still have tons of crayons and like to color by candlelight - especially during power outages with J. ;-) 61. It took me almost 10 years to get my bachelor's degree. I've been enrolled in college almost constantly from 1995 to 2005. 62. The reasons for this are complicated: I've had three different majors and taken three different year-long breaks during this time. The first break was from academic suspension (from 1st year burnout). The second break was for administrative/financial reasons. The third break was for nervous breakdown/stalking reasons... and because I decided to move to Detroit to collect my head and be with J. 63. J. and I met online at a website that no longer exists on December 9th of 1999. Less than a month later, I asked him out and we met in person and had our first date on the weekend of Y2K. 64. My earliest memory is at the age of 4, when my mother was teaching me how to write my name at the coffee table in our old living room. 65. The next memory after that is me sitting in that same room and being asked by my parents which of them I wanted to live with. 66. I've been through a lot of divorce in my life. It's one of the reasons J. and I are not yet married. I want to do it right the first time. 67. Reality tv should be permanently banished. Seriously. I can't fucking stand it. ~~68. My hair has always been down to my waist, since I was a child. When I was 25 years old, I cut off 5 inches. It's been getting slightly shorter ever since.~~ Now, it's pretty short and I really love it. I can't imagine how I wore it so long for so, well, long. 69. Washing the dishes is something that I abhor. However, doing laundry or vacuuming calms me. I also don't mind cleaning the toilet. Go figure. 70. My favorite home remedy is a spoonful of sugar for the hiccups. Tastes like shit, but it works every time. Just ask J. I've forced him to take it enough times to know. 71. I've never drank, smoke or taken a recreational drug in my life. The rate of addiction in my family is so high that I don't even risk it. 72. My mom is a reformed biker that used to party entirely too much. I've ridden on many Harleys and taken care of so many drunk people, it's not even funny. I am and have always been the designated driver. 73. I'm an intense night owl. I do my best work after midnight.. like right now, when it's 2:44 am. I'm wide awake. 74. I have an intense desire to travel. Ireland, Italy, Britain, India and China are my top must-sees currently. I'd also love to visit the Maldives and Tahiti. 75. Autumn is my absolute favorite season and I always, always love the sound of rain. It's the only thing that helps me sleep sometimes, so I have lots of rain-sound cds that we play every night at bedtime. Autumn is still great, but I can't say that I have a favorite season anymore. I like them all. Rain still puts me to sleep, but when you have a dog that's terrified of thunder, it can make a summer rainstorm the bane of your existence. 76. I can't stand the abbreviated language of the internet. LOL, IMHO, 'email addy' and 'puter' drive me crazy and I will not use them. 77. However, I love using 'WTF.' That's just funny. 78. I'm extremely sensitive to color in my environment. Some shades of green make me physically nauseous. That's how much I hate the color green. 79. Our office here and our bedroom at the old place are/were green though. That's how contradictory I am. (Though to be fair, they are very pale spring green shades that go with an oriental theme. It seems to be hunter green and avocado green that I hate the most.) If only I'd known the Hunter Green Hell that was lying in wait ahead of me! Oh, poor 2005 Staz. 80. Within the next few years, I intend to become a licensed dog trainer or animal behaviorist. I've been training dogs since I was a kid and want to eventually train companion animals, therapy animals and seeing eye dogs for a living. Still working on this one... 81. I haven't carried a purse since I graduated high school. My purses became smaller and smaller until I eventually carried only a wallet. I now carry nothing but car keys, cash and a wallet with only my identification and credit cards in my back pocket. 82. I've had my ears pierced three times. Each time, they grew up in the middle, even after having earrings in for years at a time. I've taken it as a sign that I am not meant to have pierced ears. This suits me just fine. I don't like to wear a lot of jewelry. 83. I cannot stand a martyr and will not suffer them (or fools) lightly. Ironically, I've been both to a staggering degree, which is why I probably cannot stand it when someone is a martyr with me. I know you too well, kid. 84. I don't believe that anyone is any better or worse than anyone else. 85. Whether it be a breath mint or a bowl of ice cream, I have to have something sweet after dinner... no matter what. 86. I am what's known as a 'piler.' I have big messy piles of stuff everywhere, but I know where everything is in those piles at any given time. If someone rearranges my piles, I get very agitated and can't find anything. 87. I like to collect things, but I don't like clutter and being a packrat. So I only have five basic collections: Garfield memorabilia (my favorite), black cats (displayed at Halloween), snowmen (displayed during winter), ~~hippos and Pez dispensers.~~ I'm scaling down my collections and starting to collect only stuff that is truly meaningful and that I can display easily. My Garfield collection has been in storage for a year now. 88. The hardest things for me to say to people are, "I'm sorry," "I'm wrong," and "I love you." I have horrible issues with admitting my vulnerabilities and mistakes and it has cost me a lot of friends. 89. I have only received two trophies in my life: one for Best Woodwind in 9th grade concert band (flute) and one for winning the Regional Spelling Bee in 5th grade. I still have them. 90. I once sold 365 candy bars for my 3rd grade elementary school fundraiser and won a bike. My stepmother was angry and ignored me for a week because I didn't win her the color television that she wanted. I never told her that I stopped selling candy bars on purpose so that I could win 2nd place and get the bike instead. 91. I have plantar fasciitis from working on my feet as a pharmacy technician for four years. 92. I loved my job as a pharmacy tech, but had to quit because of school and health reasons. Everyone I know asks me about their prescriptions instead of asking their doctors. My mom calls me her 'Walking PDR.' All of this amuses me because it's not something I'd ever consider as a career. It was just a really cool job that taught me a lot about meds. 93. My significant other J. and I are both virgins that found each other in our twenties. This was not a definite plan, life just worked out that way for us. We are still amazed that we found each other... and I relish the fact that I was his first real kiss. We can't wait for our honeymoon. The honeymoon came and went and it was wonderful and all, but considering that we both had strep throat the entire time, it wasn't as nice as we had hoped. Maybe someday we'll get a do-over? ~~94. Oh, and we're working on that whole 'getting married' thing too.~~ Check. 95. I love to ride my bike. Though I'm not really into mountain biking or cross country cycling. I just like to ride on all the paved curvy backroads here in Kentucky. 96. I really love my home state. I just wish it was a little more open-minded sometimes. 97. My dad is married to my mom's sister. Yes, the tree forks. Yes, it's all very, very good. Ironically, they are all three the best of friends and having all of them together in one place is a blast at holiday time. 98. I have hypothyroidism, meaning that part of my thyroid is basically dead and I will have to take medication for the rest of my life. So far, I'm okay with that. If it makes me feel like myself again, then it's worth it. I'm fine with taking medication, though seriously pissed about having a doctor that doesn't seem to know jack shit about thyroids. So um, yeah, I'm still working with this one. Sadly, I think I always will be. 99. I can't believe that it has taken me nearly ~~2 years~~ 5 years and three different attempts to tell you 100 things about me. 100. Ironically, all of this tells you nothing. Yep, still true.]]>

Things to do, things to imagine doing...

2008-08-08T04:00:45Z

I've been kind of sick lately. It's a long story for another day (or for Twittering). Today though seems to be a good day, so rather than blog about all of it, I'm going to spend some time with my husband instead. Enjoy this little long bout of fun (stolen from Rasee) in the meantime. Bold the things you've done, and underline the things you'd like to do. Simple. ]]> 06. Held a tarantula (Sorry, but I am highly arachnophobic and reading that word will give me nightmares and sweats. No thanks.) 07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 08. Said "I love you" and meant it 09. Hugged a tree 10. Done a striptease 11. Bungee jumped 12. Visited Paris 13. Watched a lightning storm at sea 14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise 15. Seen the Northern Lights 16. Gone to a huge sports game 17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa 18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables 19. Touched an iceberg 20. Slept under the stars 21. Changed a baby's diaper 22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon 23. Watched a meteor shower 24. Gotten drunk on champagne 25. Given more than you can afford to charity 26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 28. Had a food fight 29. Bet on a winning horse 30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill 31. Asked out a stranger 32. Had a snowball fight 33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier 34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can 35. Held a lamb 36. Enacted a favorite fantasy 37. Taken a midnight skinny dip 38. Taken an ice cold bath 39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar 40. Seen a total eclipse 41. Ridden a roller coaster 42. Hit a home run 43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days 44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking 45. Adopted an accent for an entire day 46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors (And now I know where they're buried, so Ireland someday, yes.) 47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment 48. Had two hard drives for your computer 49. Visited all 50 states 50. Loved your job for all accounts 51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced 52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 53. Had amazing friends 54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country 55. Watched wild whales 56. Stolen a sign 57. Backpacked in Europe 58. Taken a road-trip 59. Rock climbing 60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice 61. Midnight walk on the beach 62. Sky diving 63. Visited Ireland 64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love 65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them 66. Visited Japan 67. Bench pressed your own weight 68. Milked a cow 69. Alphabetized your records/CDs 70. Pretended to be a superhero 71. Sung karaoke 72. Lounged around in bed all day 73. Posed nude in front of strangers 74. Scuba diving 75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye 76. Kissed in the rain 77. Played in the mud 78. Played in the rain 79. Gone to a drive-in theatre 80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it 81. Visited the Great Wall of China 82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog (This is why I'm anonymous, people.) 83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better 84. Started a business 85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 86. Toured ancient sites 87. Taken a martial arts class 88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman 89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight 90. Gotten married :-) 91. Been in a movie 92. Crashed a party 93. Loved someone you shouldn't have 94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy 95. Gotten divorced 96. Had sex at the office 97. Gone without food for 5 days 98. Made cookies from scratch 99. Won first prize in a costume contest 100. Ridden a gondola in Venice 101. Gotten a tattoo 102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on 103. Rafted the Snake River 104. Been on television news programs as an "expert" 105. Got flowers for no reason 106. Masturbated/Had sex in a public place 107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything 108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug 109. Performed on stage 110. Been to Las Vegas 111. Recorded music 112. Eaten shark 113. Had a one-night stand 114. Gone to Thailand 115. Seen Siouxsie live 116. Bought a house 117. Been in a combat zone 118. Buried one/both of your parents 119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off 120. Been on a cruise ship 121. Spoken more than one language fluently 122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone 123. Bounced a check 124. Performed in Rocky Horror 125. Read - and understood - your credit report 126. Raised children 127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy 128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour 129. Created and named your own constellation of stars 130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country 131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did 132. Called or written your Member of Congress 133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over 134. ...more than once? 135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge 136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion 138. Had plastic surgery 139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived 140. Wrote articles for a large publication 141. Lost over 100 pounds 142. Held someone while they were having a flashback 143. Piloted an airplane 144. Petted a stingray 145. Broken someone's heart 146. Helped an animal give birth 147. Been fired or laid off from a job 148. Won money on a TV game show 149. Broken a bone 150. Killed a human being 151. Gone on an African photo safari 152. Ridden a motorcycle 153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph 154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced 155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol 156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 157. Ridden a horse 158. Had major surgery 159. Had sex on a moving train 160. Had a snake as a pet 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon 162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours 164. Visited more foreign countries than US states 165. Visited all 7 continents 166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days 167. Eaten kangaroo meat 168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 169. Been a sperm or egg donor 170. Eaten sushi 171. Had your picture in the newspaper 172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime 173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about 174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 175. Gone back to school 176. Parasailed 177. Changed your name 178. Petted a cockroach 179. Eaten fried green tomatoes 180. Read The Iliad 181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read them 182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them 183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you 184. Taught yourself art from scratch 185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt 187. Skipped all your school reunions 188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office 190. Written your own computer language 191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream 192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 193. Built your own PC from parts 194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you 195. Had a booth at a street fair 196. Dyed your hair 197. Been a DJ 198. Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal 199. Written your own role-playing game 200. Been arrested

Catching Up... and it's only August.

2008-08-01T14:35:28Z

There's a whopping new entry over at the photoblog. Don't have the password? Just ask. Otherwise, enjoy.

New Floor = All Done. I would like a gold star, please.

2008-07-30T06:45:28Z

Yes, boys and girls, after nearly a month of constant back-breaking work, it is done. Say hello to our new floor and - let's be honest here - our whole new house. Before and After - One Before and After - Two Before and After - Three We decided to go with a click-lock laminate from IKEA, which was a surprise to me. Due to my history of having easily-slipping kneecaps and a hip injury, I was incredibly weary of having any type of floor that could be too slick. Laminates had always been in that category for me. But I was actually surprised to find that laminate floors have come such a long way in the last few years. So much so that I actually found them to be less slick than some of the actual hardwood floors we were considering. Of course, I am a person with skin and sweat glands and complex gripping mechanisms in my feet. The dogs, however, are still learning how to run and play on it. The reasons it took nearly a month from start to finish: 1) We had to bust up nearly 150 square feet of ceramic tile that extended halfway into the living room (yeah, speaking of slick?) and let me tell you, that was a damn J.O.B. 2) Laying down nearly 500 square feet of plywood sub-floor (used to level and prep a floor for new covering) was another big job that just took way longer than we had anticipated. 3) Lowe's pissed us off. We picked nearly every single paint color in this house based on how they would compliment this one Blonde colored hardwood floor they had on display for the past year at Lowe's. So after nearly a year of preparing for and planning on that specific hardwood floor, we bought a couple boxes of it and brought it home only to discover this: the display was Blonde while the actual floor was ... wait for it... RED. Like, near to a cherry floor red. It wasn't the light in our house, it wasn't the paint colors. It was the fact that the actual wood didn't even remotely match the in-store display. WTF?! So after a month of prep work, we were literally trying to do a year of research and find a new floor in a period of a few days. This is when I got desperate and decided on the laminate. I'm soooo glad I did. Not only was it half as much money and work, it was infinitely a more durable and sturdy surface. 4) All good things when you consider that we did exactly 500 square feet of floor. That's one third of our house. We have more work to do in the dining room yet. But hey, at least it feels like an actual dining room. It like, has a purpose and a title and stuff. There will also be real furniture in there at some point too, so I imagine that will make a difference, yes? For the first time in our 16 months here, we are actually proud of our house and happy to have guests over. Hell, we're actually considering staying longer. Now that's an accomplishment! So don't be shy, tell me what you think!

Oh baby, hoggify!

2008-07-29T18:08:23Z

Today, I am 31 years old. I am also reminded today of why I have never done acid. I'm off to do a little Wonder Bread. Ride a sled to New Orleans for me.

Happy Birthday, SchmoopieButt.

2008-07-26T18:33:00Z

Today is my chocoholic Husband's 35th birthday. Naturally he was greeted with homemade Cocoa Pancakes (with vanilla yogurt and strawberries) for breakfast. Why yes, I am Wife of the Year. How did you guess? Happy birthday, schmoopiebear. .... As long as we have plenty of snacks... Off to take my robotics engineer to see Wall-E. Oh, the dorkdom! Let it commence!

You just might wave Hello again

2008-07-23T04:27:07Z

*This might just be the first in a series of entries. I have a lot of feelings to swim around in this week. On this day 32 years ago, my parents were married straight out of high school in a back yard ceremony complete with leisure suits, homemade dresses, permed hair and floppy straw hats. On this day 31 years ago, I was due to be born on what would have been their one year wedding anniversary. Today, my father has finally found happiness with his fourth wife, my mother is preparing to go through her fifth divorce and I feel as though I have lived my lifetime plus three others in my short time on this planet. My parents were incredibly young when they married, even still younger when they met. I don't doubt that they loved each other, I just don't think they loved each other enough and in the right ways. Honestly, how much can you really know about give-and-take and marriage when you are 19 with a baby? How much can you have possibly healed and learned from your own faulty upbringings when you are still barely an adult yourself? It is for this reason I look back on some of the crazy things they did and simultaneously laugh and ache inside. You know that question people always ask you, "what's your very first memory?" I've listened my whole life to other people's responses and I've continuously been surprised at their answers. "Looking out the bars of my crib," some will say or "watching my mother coo at me in my highchair," or "my dad smiling at me and he looks so young." Me? I remember absolutely nothing before the age of four. My life does not begin with cooing noises from my mother or looking out a crib at my toys. I have two very distinct memories and it always seems as if they are within moments or days of each other. The lighting is the same, the tension in the room is the same, the mood is virtually unchanged from one memory to the next. In one, my father is in the kitchen yelling at someone on the phone and pacing back and forth while my mother and I sit at the coffee table in the living room. She is tense, anxious and talking in very upbeat tones in order to distract me from my father's rising voice. We have crayons and paper. She is teaching me how to write my name. We trace it out on the paper again and again. I have the most trouble with the R. (Surely, you knew my name wasn't Staz, yes?) All the while she glances into the kitchen to check on my father's rising aggravation. And just like that, I have learned how to write my name and the image is gone. In the very next memory, honestly what feels like only days later, I am sitting on the living room couch. My mother is to my left and my father is to my right, but they are not sitting with me. Instead they are crouching, staring at me with an intensity that seems new to me. The only light is coming from the kitchen and the street lamp outside. For some reason, it is very dark in our living room. I don't remember exactly how my mother broke the news to me, but I remember clear as day her next question. "Do you want to live with mommy or daddy?" As an adult, I can only imagine what was going through their minds at that very moment, what thoughts could have been filling their faces with so much stress and tension. But at that time, I was only four and thought this was the most fun game we had ever played. Such a strange question, such serious faces, such power - all given to me! I remember smiling really big and then with a laugh, shouting "Daddy!" In my four year old mind, I fully expected to be picked up and tickled or that my parents would dissolve into wild peals of laughter. Instead, my mother collapsed into the floor, wailing hysterically and crying uncontrollably. My father just stared at me stupefied as though he had just had the gut punch of his life and was not ready for it. The feeling that actually occurred within me is something that even to this day, I cannot accurately describe. It is the feeling of your entire innards dropping, your life swirling into a spin that even you cannot keep up with, your child-like innocence disappearing in a confusing flash, and reality dropping upon you so heavily it makes your head hurt. It is the feeling of being four and then suddenly being forty. The memory fades away after this. I can only guess my four-year-old brain was too overwhelmed to process anymore and so erased it all away. I understand that my parents were trying to do the right thing. They were trying to give me a choice in my own destiny. Sure, it may have been misguided, and they may have taken my answer a bit too seriously, but at the age of 23, who really know what's right for themselves, much less a child? In the end, I was raised by my father, just as my answer that night had stipulated. It wasn't the perfect upbringing by any means, but I do honestly believe that I am better for it. My father is not a perfect man, but he was certainly stable and provided for me in a way my mother never had the confidence to do herself. She moved a lot, she drank a lot, she dated horrible men, married men even worse than those she dated. I feel very certain that if I had chosen my mother, I would have ended up molested and beaten by the men that abused her as well. While my father's taste in wives was certainly less than stellar, he was still there for me when it counted and always tried to give me stability above all else. I graduated high school with the same friends I'd had in kindergarten. I grew up on the same road my family lived on. I rode my bike down every country backroad that I still associate with "home" today. It's just an odd place to be in when you were originally due to be born on the very day your parents failed marriage began. Instead though, I was born exactly one week late. My cousin's birthday was one day earlier and everyone was so excited that we might have dual birthdays. I needed to forge my own way though and I think the universe realized that. So I was born exactly one day after him because I am stubborn and demanded to have my own day. It didn't matter though, because they always made us share a cake anyway. I think it's funny how life always comes full circle. My parents were married July 22nd. I married my own husband on June 22nd. I grew up sharing cake and birthday parties with my cousin because of our close birthdays. Husband grew up sharing his birthday with his twin brother. Now, living separate lives as adults and having moved away from our twins and cousins, we find it highly ironic that J. and I end up sharing our birthdays anyway - with each other. We were born three days (though four years) apart. Still, when our family comes together, it is all of our names on one birthday cake. We are all lumped in together in this crazy stew of life. My parents, throughout my entire life, have always remained close friends. I don't have a single memory of them fighting over me or screaming at each other about how I should be raised. They have different opinions, they have different personalities, they are different people. Still, they are connected through me and their traits run deep within me. My father's very happy fourth marriage? Well, ten years ago, he married my mom's older sister. Again, the circles, they go round and round. It is a very harmonious situation with everyone happy and satisfied and even comfortable. Though now, I am in an even stranger position. When I go home for Christmas, I am still a child of nearly ten divorces, but my mother and father are both in one house. They are not married to each other and they are not enemies. They are just what they are, two people that once loved each other, had a child and remained a family.

Because we're five pieces away from being done with the floor, you get this.

2008-07-21T07:10:18Z

What time did you get up this morning? In bed at 2am, up at 8:30am, eventually back to sleep until 10:30am. This is how it goes when you're a can't-stay-asleep insomniac. Diamonds or pearls? Either/or. I'm not much into jewelry really. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Indy 4. This damn floor fiasco has kept us from both Wall-E and Dark Knight. Dammit. What is your favorite TV show? Rescue Me, Pushing Daisies, Medium What do you usually have for breakfast? If my stomach is in the mood for breakfast, I do a granola bar. What is your middle name? Uh, Staz I guess? I'm not telling you, dude. What food do you dislike? Squash. What kind of car do you drive? 2000 black Oldsmobile Alero. She's old now, but she's still our 'bella nera.' Favorite sandwich? Veggie or grilled cheese or grilled cheese with veggies. Mmm. What characteristic(s) do you despise? Fakeness, hostility, martyrdom. Favorite item of clothing? PJ's. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation, where would you go? Italy. Are you an organized person? If it's possible to be organized while being messy, that's me. Where would you like to retire to? Mackinac Island. What was your most recent memorable birthday? Turning 30 next to my dad's pool with a small cookout, cake and family. No frills, just laid back and happy. What are you going to do when you finish this? Probably call J. and figure out what we're doing for dinner. When is your next birthday? In eight days actually. Wow. Morning person or night person? Definitely night person. My morning persona borders on something out of "Mommy Dearest." What is your shoe size? 10. Yes, 10. Pets? Two hounds, three in-house cats, one FIV+ cat that lives on my mom's farm and pays his rent in dead mice. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share with us? I might be temporarily inheriting a chihuahua while my mom goes through her 5th divorce and I might get caught in the middle of her shit again at the age of 30. Not exciting enough? Okay, um... we're almost finished with the damn floor? Yay? What did you want to be when you were little? Veterinarian. Tyrannical queen. The veterinarian was more practical really. How are you today? Okay, a little tired, a little bored, a lot sticky and hot. Oh, summer. What is your favorite flower? Lilies. What is a day on the calendar you are looking forward to? J's birthday this Saturday, my birthday next Tuesday. What are you listening to? David Gray "Real Love" and the hum of air conditioners and fans. Do you wish on stars? Yes, but mostly I just wish for the courage and foresight to make my own wishes come true. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Lately, I'm feeling very "Cornflower." How is the weather right now? So hot, sticky sweet, from my head to my feet. Yeah. Last person you spoke to on the phone? My mom a few days ago, I think? I generally avoid the phone. Favorite soft drink? Sweet Tea. Favorite restaurant? Don't really have a favorite. Lately, I'm craving Maggiano's eggplant parmesan though. Hair color? Blondes do it better, baby. What was your favorite toy as a child? My Strawberry Shortcake kitchen, stuffed animals, Sweet Pickles books, whatever pet was close by. Summer or winter? I used to hate winter, but now I could go either way. Chocolate or vanilla? Vanilla. Coffee or tea? Tea. When was the last time you cried? Probably the other day when I was freaking out about money and not getting to go to Michigan this summer. It was a very grown-up moment. What is under your bed? Our bed is very low to the ground, so nothing. It's probably the cleanest spot in the house really. What did you do last night? Watched "Batman Begins" for the 100th time with the Husband, came very close to finishing the floor, made a new casserole, played with the dogs. It was a good day. What are you afraid of? Arachnids. Salty or sweet? After dinner - sweet. One week a month - salty. How many keys on your key ring? 5, some are completely obsolete. How many years at your current job? Being a stay-at-home dog mom, cook, and home renovator? Almost a year now. Favorite day of the week? Saturday. Do you make friends easily? Nope.

To the Sea

2008-07-15T07:48:52Z

Made some art tonight. It's a little too personal for me to share exactly what it's about, so I'll just let you figure out what it means to you instead. Let's just say it's very aquatic in nature and pertains to murky depths, intuition, things that cannot be defined, and the sea inside you. To the Sea is 11x14 Ink and Pastels on watercolor paper. View Two View Three View Four View Five View Six Speak up, let me know what you think. I'm always interested to see how different people interpret the same piece of art.

Hunter Green, Hardwood and Hounds, Oh My!

2008-07-09T21:00:34Z

We're probably doing entirely too much at once this week. Case in point: The very last of the EIGHT Hunter Green walls in this house are now gone, baby! Can I get a hell yeah? Can I get an Amen? Also, after nearly a week of living on splintery plywood and dealing with what will now always be known as Hardwood Floor Fiasco '08, (a story which I will explain later), we have now finally gloriously begun installing our beautiful new hardwood floor. Ten square feet down, only 490 more to go! Oh, and did I mention that my mom is taking a "mental sabbatical" thirteen hours away and left me with one of her dogs? You know, the insanely hyper destructive chihuahua that completely uses Bogey's suggestive submissive nature against him and talks Bogey into doing just the darnedest things? If you don't hear from me in a week, please send reinforcements. And cookies... lots and lots of cookies.